Dear Random Duty Finder Paladin:
So you’re a human being with a sharp piece of metal in one hand and a plank in the other. You’re staring down a big fuckin 30-foot serpent or something. It is beating the hell out of you. Like, absolutely going to fucking town. You’re probably a little on edge. I understand.
You’re at 20% HP. You’ve been there for long enough to get a little worried. You get hit by stuff a lot, and some of it does more than 20% of your health. If you die, the big fuckin serpent or something is going to turn around and instantly deatomize someone. It’s probably gonna be bad. I understand.
I acknowledge your fear. I respect it and I sympathize with it. But if I see you casting Clemency, I’m going to grab a can of gasoline and self-immolate in the middle of Bismarck.
You are not in danger. I haven’t forgotten about you, and I know how much HP you have. I’m not distracted, I’m not disconnected, and I’m not trying to assert my dominance.
I’m not healing you because you don’t need a fucking heal yet.
I understand that being at low HP confuses and upsets you. You’re probably used to healers slobbering on your health bar, and that’s fine. You’re a mortal human and death is scary. I get it. But I need you to listen for just a second.
Our Red Mage has been casting Scatter on a single target for eight minutes. I’m Googling “amazon valium candy necklace” in between GCDs. Right now, I am not concerned with your comfort. I’m trying to help kill the boss that’s currently hitting you in the face so we can all go the fuck home.
To that end, as a courtesy to everyone, I’m not sitting on my hands making sure that your health bar is nicely topped off. I am casting damage abilities. I will continue to cast damage abilities until something threatens a member of our party.
If there are no boss abilities coming up, you do not need to be healed. If you activate Convalescence expecting me to heal you, I will screenshot it, print it on a poster, frame it on the wall above my PC, and dedicate a minimum of 20 minutes per day to sitting in front of it and laughing.
When you do need to be healed, I will use one of the seventy buttons that healers are given for the purpose of healing people, all of which are faster, stronger, and more efficient than Clemency by orders of magnitude. Unless you have reason to believe I’m asleep—here’s a hint, I’m casting Aero III literally right now—you’re not helping.
So, let’s review. When you’re at low HP as a Paladin, your options are as follows:
- continue doing your job
- spend an entire GCD on your shitty spell that heals for negative zero, inching everyone in the party one missed Riot Blade closer to their eventual deaths—because not only do you not know the fight, but the idea of anyone knowing the fight is completely unimaginable
Fuck you. Stop making this hard.