Make these goddamn cookies
These are the best goddamn chocolate chip cookies ever made, arrived at through two parts miracles and one part science. If I was running a recipe blog, this is the part where I would tell you my life story.
Here is the recipe.
SHIT YOU WILL NEED
- 2 cups flour1
- 1/2 tsp salt2
- 1/2 tsp baking soda3
- 12 tbsp butter (3/4 cup, typically 1.5 sticks)4
- 1 cup packed brown sugar5
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 1 egg + 1 egg yolk,6 normal size
- 3 tbsp vanilla7
- A fuckton of chocolate chips
- One large bowl
- One medium bowl
- Something to melt the butter in8
- Electric mixer or suitably muscular roommate9
THE RECIPE I GUESS
- Preheat oven to 325 F.10
- Mix flour, baking soda and salt in large bowl, set aside.
- Dump sugars in medium bowl.
- Melt butter and dump into sugar bowl. Mix until barely combined.
- Dump whole egg, egg yolk and vanilla into sugar bowl, mix until texture is consistent.
- Mix contents of medium bowl into contents of large bowl.11
- Dump chocolate chips into the dough until it can’t hold any more.12
- Generously butter your cookie sheet.13
- Form dough into 3/4-inch14 balls and place on cookie sheet.15
- Bake for 16 minutes, rotating the cookie sheet halfway through.
- Let cool before eating.16
An airtight container17 with a slice of bread will keep these good for a while. If you don’t have bread, a very slightly damp paper towel will do, just don’t let it touch the cookies. Store these without a source of moisture or exposed to air and they become rocks in 3 days.
Rice flour is not a drop-in substitution. Egg substitutes are not drop-in substitutions. Baking powder is not baking soda. If you use margarine I will come to your house and shoot you.
Don’t bother leveling these off with the back of a knife or anything—just make sure they’re not egregiously stacked. This recipe assumes gorilla measurement techniques. ↩︎
You don’t actually need to measure this, overshooting won’t kill you. ↩︎
You definitely need to measure this. ↩︎
Yen: “this is the most american thing I have ever seen” ↩︎
Golden brown preferred. If you’re using dark brown sugar, consider substituting milk chocolate chips, it makes for more of a bakery-style “solid block of confection” feel. ↩︎
This is the important part. If you don’t know how to separate an egg yolk, it’s time to discover search engines. ↩︎
Eyeball it. This one comes down to preference, my personal recommendation is to add vanilla until it smells like you might have gone a little too far. ↩︎
Throw that shit in a mug ↩︎
Getting all the flour incorporated is a pain in the ass, get ready for mass bowl-scraping ↩︎
Metric users can get fucked, I’m too lazy to convert this.18 ↩︎
If your large bowl is not actually that large, fold in half the wet ingredients, mix, then do the other half. Less mess. ↩︎
If there are chips on the bottom of the bowl even after thorough mixing, you did it right. ↩︎
I mean it, just fucking rub a stick of butter on it. The half-stick you might have left over works nicely. This is already awful for you, don’t chicken out and use cooking spray or some shit. Trust me. ↩︎
or whatever you feel like, maaaaaaaan. One of these days I’m going to try and bake the fucking bowl of dough in one shot ↩︎
Give these space, they expand more than you think—fused cookies are kinda cool, though ↩︎
This is the hard part. ↩︎
Read: ziploc bag ↩︎
But not lazy enough to stop writing cheeky footnotes. ↩︎